Wrap your self in a blanket, get a fifth of Jack, and sweat it out...

I’m sick. Really sick. And every time I’m the kind of sick where moving from the couch isn’t an option, I have the same thought, reflected so well in this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon: I have something they can’t diagnose, don’t have a cure for. And then I have these grandiose thoughts – sick in a different way – about the press my new illness would receive, and how they would have to name this illness after me, and publish all the wisdom I share from my deathbed. Wisdom that reflects my feigned disdain for pity, about how these are the cards life dealt me, and its my job to play the hand, win or lose.

Then I have to consider the made for TV movie, starring Casey Affleck, who would never do a made for TV movie, that is until he met me and was so moved by my courage and personal request that he would go on to list that role as his second greatest achievement, behind somehow achieving a standing as ‘less white’ than his brother, thought they share the exact same genetic material.

But beyond the shame I find in both these grandiose thoughts and the way I simply revel in the pity people send my way, I have learned a lot about the human body.

Fevers serve a two fold immunity-boosting role. First, the higher body temperature increases blood flow, thus aiding white blood cells in their task. And second, raising the body temperature a few degrees kills of many types of bacteria and viruses. I’ve actually adopted a pro-fever stance because of this, even though prolonged or especially high fevers can damage your internal organs.

My favorite part, however, is the role of the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is the body’s thermostat. When the hypothalamus hears word that the body is sick, the hypothalamus sends out a memo – ‘Hey everybody, we are actually very cold’ – even though the body is its normal 98.6 (tricky hypothalamus!). The body reacts to this memo with chills, the body’s natural way of increasing its own temperature. And that my friends, is why you freeze your ass off when you’re sick.

When your fever breaks, the body sweats like crazy to cool its self off. It may also sweat like crazy if you try my old buddy Jeff Jenkins' time-tested illness remedy: wrap yourself in a blanket, get a fifth of Jack, and sweat it out. I'm trying Airborn first.